Inconsiderate.

Where I went wrong:

1. I should not have expected anything. Being with you is always enough and I loved having lunch with you.
2. I should have talked to you about sex (i.e. WHY AREN’T WE HAVING ANY????) beforehand to clear the air.
3. I should have been more explicit about my expectations.

Where you went wrong:

1. No chocolate. You brought home chocolate from the store and the first thing you say is “Don’t get excited, this isn’t your Valentine’s Day chocolate.” But then you didn’t get me any.
2. No flowers. How easy was this one?
3. No sex. You didn’t even try to make me feel sexy or wanted or acknowledged that I was standing in front of you in lingerie.
4. Your gift was not thought out. You walked into the store and bought me something instead of thinking of something I might actually want.
5. I gave you sexy photos of myself, got dolled up in lingerie, lit a candle, and you fell asleep. You didn’t even make out with me.
6. Not once, do I feel like you thought “What would make Christine smile today?”

I know we have 364 days to show one another love, that this is a contrived holiday to boost spending but seriously. You don’t have to do anything 364 days of the year. ONE DAY. Only ONE DAY out of the year do I expect chocolate, flowers, and sex. And you missed. Inconsiderate.

trying to get it all out.

fuck you.
age is deceiving.
when you lied about your age and said you were only 29 (even though you were 39) you should have kept on going.
you were 8. or at least you acted that way and many times i felt like i was babysitting you.

fuck off.
you are everything you hate about other people.
you discriminate so much you have limited yourself.
and now you’re one of them.
and you’re right.
i don’t like those people much either.

i’m glad i never let you destroy my hope in love.
in retrospect, i’m glad i only gave you time.
i could have given you my heart.
you could have even had my soul.
my love.
in fact, i define love as life without you ruin it.

but who cares about me now?
let’s keep talking about you.
your sorrows, depressions, problems, concerns, etc.
we could talk forever on that subject.
except i’d kill myself first.

and fuck your “stuff”, your “things”, your “cars”…
at least my life is better than yours.
at least I have love or the hope of it.
at least i’m a better person.
at least i know what i want.

and yeah, he’s better than you.
in every single fucking way.
taller, smarter, bigger, better, sweeter, funnier, -er, -er, -er….
and he doesn’t make me cry.
he makes me smile, laugh, moan, scream, cry out in limitless waves of pleasure.
you want to know more, asshole?

random thoughts.

i dispise my ex a little more everytime i hear from him.
i’m annoyed that he still asks me for favors.
i wish deleting all his e-mails and de-friending him would make him disappear from my life altogether.
because although i did have a lot of fun with him and he is a good person, he makes me feel like crying.
for someone in a relationship, i cried a lot in the last 4 years.
and spent a lot of time alone.

i really like Brian.
i might even love him.
what does that even mean?
“love is one of those meaningless words we throw around like ‘family’ and ‘addiction’.”
even still, if he left me now, i would feel lost. alone. broken.
it’s only been 53 days but i would cry.
and be in need of ice cream and another therapy session.
i guess that’s one way to define love.

==========================================================

i don’t think i need him. like NEED.
but i definately want him in my life.
i want him by my side.
i want to be holding his hand.
and looking at his face.
which i think i could do for hours.
and kiss him. and kiss him. and kiss him.

==============================================================

yesterday we were chatting online.
it went like this:

1/18/2010		5:40:54 PM		::christine::		bri_shanghai		iono–i’ve never been married….maybe it is stressful
1/18/2010		5:42:12 PM		::christine::		bri_shanghai		in my head, it’s just putting on a white dress, and calling people up to come have dinner–or sitting in a white dress on a beach someplace
1/18/2010		5:42:24 PM		bri_shanghai		::christine::		marry me!

I didn’t even reply to that–I let it hang there until he changed the subject. The answer is OK.

================================================================

yours is the heart that i call home.
i want you to think i am worth trying for.
that i am worth the effort, worth the wait, worth your love.

==================================================

what if i am enough?
what if i am everything he needs?
what if the red strings of fate is down to the last inch?
what if he’s the one?

isn’t this what i’ve been waiting for all my life?
isn’t he everything i have waited for?
isn’t he more than i could imagine?

second thoughts…and third ones too…

what if he doesn’t like me?
what if i mess this up?
what if we’re going to fast?
what if i don’t tell him how i’m feeling?
what if he’s like this with every girl he dates?
what if this ends in disaster?
what if i’m wasting my time again?
what if i’m letting myself fall and he ends up not catching me?
what if i’m not seeing this for what it really is?
what if he’s better at this game than i am?
what if he doesn’t mean what he says but i believe it anyway?

what if he’s right for me right now?
what if he’s a good man?
and he actually likes me the way i am?
what if i am as special as he makes me feel?
what if this is more than just a crush?
what if this is something i should take serious?
what if he’s a better man than i recognize him for?

well, there’s more risk in that, isn’t there?
at a point when i’m starting to involve emotions, this is beginning to feel a little scary.
maybe that’s why the anxious feelings…

“Never trust a second though. Where there’s two there’s three. You’ll end up thinking forever.” -Fishism

lucky.

I woke up at 3am last night, topless, next to a really good man. Warm skin that smelled so so good. Deep, even breathing. Strong arms.
And when I woke up this morning, he was kissing me and telling me how pretty I look in the morning.

“I need you more.”

This is going to be so good for me.

One thought.

i realised i have a list of regrets. always from thinking too much.

thinking can hurt your chances. i intend to last.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am right in front of you. I would do everything to be your anything. If you ask me to jump, I’ll say yes. If I have to admit that I’ve fallen for you, I’ll lie. But I’ll give you everything I’ve got.

xoxo,

christine

Little Fish with Big Bicycles

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

That’s what “they” say. The feminists. The fighters. The politically correct government. The single women in their 30s. The ugly girls. The Perpetually-On-A-Diet ones.

I’m all for equality and the whole she-bang that comes with, but seriously, this quote only applies when you don’t have a man and you can’t get laid to save your life and you think you’re a “career woman”. Then it feels true. When you have a boyfriend/lover/husband/pimp perception changes. You start thinking: “what’s wrong with fish having bicycles?”

 

Absolutely nothing. In fact, I can imagine a fish with a bicycle is one talented mother-fucker that all the other fishes wish they could be. And in these modern days, when you’re a girl with a good man, it kinda feels that way.